Another birthday has come and gone and the statistics are in. Facebook wall posts held steady at 60 something with belated wishes still trickling in. Text messages are up from last year, as are private messages. Phone calls have stayed a consistent three.
According to social media, I’m really quite popular.
But here’s the thing.
I spent my birthday alone this year.
For the first time.
And it was the big 3-0.
I don’t generally call for big fan fare on my ‘big day’, liking to keep things low key….but to be alone? Well, that’s new.
How did it make me feel? Well, I can admit that as plans were slowly cancelled, I was a little sad. After all, it’s 30! But it didn’t get me down for long. Overall, it was kind of…neat.
I’m supposed to have matured beyond that sort of thing by now…right? And thank goodness! If I’d had to spend an early 20 something birthday alone, I probably wouldn’t have coped as well.
I suppose this is a bonus to being an official ‘grown up’. You just don’t take things as personally. At least, you’re not supposed to.
I could have, maybe should have, taken a look at my relationships at this point and questioned if my solo-ness was a result of how I run them. Maybe I don’t put in enough effort. Maybe I don’t express my love. Maybe I should give more or be more, but let’s be honest, that’s a terrible thing to do to yourself any day of the year, but particularily so on your day of birth.
And it goes against the above-outlined adult-wisdom of ‘it’s not personal’.
And it isn’t. Life happens. We have obligations to family, to work, to our health. There’s Canadian winter-road conditions…
I don’t think I even informed the cancelling invites it was my birthday!
I suppose that’s another difference between 20 something and 30 something.
In your 20s life revolves around fun and your friends and parties (for the most part) but as you move yourself through the decade there are suddenly children, careers, partners, and mortgages (for some of us anyways, I’m slow to evolve to such things).
Other things hold your attention. This is a good thing.
By 30 most of us enjoy our own company anyways.
I’m happy alone.
I’m happy with company too.
Mostly, I enjoy being alone. Though with two canines, I suppose I never really am.
The point is, I’m just happy. I have the pleasure of making that decision for myself because as Don Miguel Ruiz tells us, we are all creators. With that, we and we alone have the power to create not only our lives but the way we feel about them as well. I’ve chosen a life of BLISS and with continual reminders to myself and conscious creation, I have it. For the most part. It takes practice but one day it will just be.
And 30 is great because you’re no longer eating ramen noodles for every meal!
You drink every night but never get drunk (hang overs just aren’t worth it any more!).
The days of six-packs for six dollars are behind you, if you want them to be.
You don’t get sexy with anyone unless you really want to; there’s no more guilt attached to sex.
You have disposable income.
You go to bed by ten (sometimes) which feels normal and waking up at seven feels equally normal.
Essentially, the closer you get to relieving yourself of your 20s the more tangible freedom exists.
There’s a responsibility that comes with this new decade though.
By now, you should know how to fold a fitted sheet. It’s really quite easy and an essential life skill.
You need to be able to say ‘I’m sorry.’
And write thank you letters.
You need to be able to forgive.
And hold yourself accountable.
Here’s the thing.
Talking to my father, I realized, I don’t have any 20 something excuses left.
He laughed and told me at least I have my blond excuses.
But I just dyed my hair…
By 30, you’re more comfortable expressing yourself and speaking your truth regardless of the repercussions.
You stick up for yourself.
Your relationships change. Some disolve, others form, and loved ones return.
There is constant evolution.
More and more I crave stability and stillness.
I will not miss the days of seasonal living….at least not for a while.
I still need adventure. I pray that never changes.
I get to be comfortable in my own skin and no longer care about ‘being cool’.
I’m can easily admit that four minute down dogs inspired by Chantal Kreviazuk, make me a little emotional.
As do three minute hero poses to Coldplay.
In private of course.
I haven’t evolved to the point of public emotional releases just let. Being a Scorpio, reserved and composed by nature, that will probably have to wait until 40.
I can also admit, without embarrassment, that my yoga mat, tights, and speaker all (accidentally) match.
Accidental or not, that would have never happened in my 20s (don’t ask me how, I just know these things).
Recent feedback I got about my writing was to put more ‘me’ into it. That’s going to be a 30 something goal, beginning with this post.
Hopefully you like me but it’s ok if you don’t.
Something particularly wonderful about a solo birthday is the personal space for ritual. I was blessed with the gift of a full moon in Taurus (far more appreciated than the foot of snow received). As mentioned in other posts, full moons are great opportunities to purge.
And so, I took this opportunity to do just that.
I let go of my 20s (though not my youth).
And I purged insecurity.
Post asana, I sat and reflected on this. Not only did I commit to releasing myself of insecurity but listed the different (and apparently many) ways in which I experience it.
They say after you empty yourself of something (purge) it is important to fill yourself back up.
Dance party it is. First, soft sways and swoons, followed by hair shaking anthems, and finally, concluding with some sexy hip shaking.
I am after all, a 30-something, former dancer turned yogi-mountain girl, and everyone should get to be sexy on their birthday.
From my heart to yours, Jenn